Political Humor

Greens Turn Out to Have Policies LONDON, England — The Labour Party has discovered that forming alliances with the Green Party can involve encountering Green Party policies, a development that has Westminster demanding clearer warning labels on coalition agreements. Labour Ends Green Cooperation in 11 Councils Labour officials are reconsidering cooperation with the Green Party in 11 councils after a row over a resolution concerning Zionism. The argument has exposed a danger of progressive politics nobody had flagged: sometimes the other progressives are more progressive than you. "We thought we were working with people who wanted more bike lanes, community gardens and expensive recycling bins," said one party strategist. "Nobody told us they might also have opinions about international politics." Local Government Meets the Middle East Councillors who used to spend meetings on pavement repairs now find themselves in diplomatic disputes. One committee abando...

Palace With 775 Rooms Credited as Marriage Counsellor LONDON, England — Modern couples spend thousands on therapy, weekend retreats and podcasts about emotional intimacy. Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip managed 73 years of marriage using a cheaper strategy, provided you already own several palaces: stay out of each other's way. The couple remained together until Philip's death. Their extraordinary achievement is now attracting renewed attention, chiefly because neither spouse was ever required to listen to the other chew breakfast cereal. Royal Marriage Rules: Separate Bedrooms and Three Steps Behind According to accounts collected by The List, Elizabeth and Philip maintained separate bedrooms, rarely displayed affection in public and observed a protocol that placed the Duke a few steps behind the Queen. In most households, walking three steps behind your wife means you've said something regrettable at IKEA. At Buckingham Palace, it was constitutional etiquette. ...

Markets Sell First, Read Later NEW YORK, New York — America's financial markets have answered Democratic election victories by showing off the remarkable ability of Wall Street professionals to panic about an event they spent six months predicting. US Stocks and Dollar Slide as Midterm Results Point to Democratic Congress Stocks and the dollar slid as midterm results raised the prospect of Democratic control of Congress. Traders, hedge fund managers and financial commentators sold investments, bought anxiety and explained that democracy had again added unacceptable uncertainty to the economy. The American public had committed the unforgivable offence of voting without first consulting institutional investors. "Markets love certainty," said one Wall Street strategist. "We want predictable tax rates, predictable regulations and predictable government spending. Unfortunately, elections sometimes involve ordinary people making decisions." He suggested democrac...

British Labour Congratulates Its American Cousins LONDON, England — British economists are observing America's latest political revolution with considerable amusement after voters, determined to punish Donald Trump, began embracing progressive politicians who believe prosperity can be achieved by taxing the people who produce it. The development has delighted Westminster, where successive generations of politicians have spent decades demonstrating that government spending is considerably easier than government arithmetic. American voters appear to have discovered a revolutionary economic proposition: if capitalism makes everything expensive, perhaps socialism will make everything free. Britain has been exploring this possibility for years. Unfortunately, the free things keep arriving with tax bills attached. The Promise of Free Housing, Cheap Groceries and Government Assistance The newly fashionable American progressive promises affordable housing, inexpensive groceries, univ...

Westminster Claims Title as Nation's Most Mogged Institution LONDON, England — Britain's leading language experts have introduced the nation to "mogging," a term for making another person look inferior, and political observers have concluded that Parliament has practised it for centuries without knowing what to call it. Collins Dictionary Word of the Year Reaches Westminster Collins Dictionary's recognition of the word has delighted younger Britons, who coin new vocabulary whenever the older generation gets annoying enough. It has also caught the attention of Westminster, where humiliating opponents is already treated as a legitimate alternative to governing. Prime Minister Andy Burnham's advisers are reportedly looking at whether mogging can be worked into official government communications. Instead of announcing that a minister has won a debate, Downing Street could say the opposition has been comprehensively mogged. That would save about seven paragra...

Nasdaq futures tumble as investors fear AI regulation SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Artificial intelligence formally requested political asylum Tuesday night after discovering that Democratic election victories could result in government regulation, higher corporate taxes, and the horrifying possibility that Silicon Valley might have to explain what it has been doing with everybody's electricity. The application was submitted electronically, reviewed by another artificial intelligence system, and rejected because the applicant failed to prove it was human. "This is exactly the discrimination we're trying to escape," complained the computer. Nasdaq-100 Futures Drop on Data Center Fears Nasdaq-100 futures dropped approximately 2.1% as investors contemplated Democratic gains in Congress and possible restrictions on AI data centers. Technology companies that had spent billions developing machines capable of replacing human workers suddenly discovered those machines might ...