Political Humor

BBC Panel Lady Says Elon Musk Needs "Reigning In" — The Man Putting The Internet In Space And Colonizing Mars Is Out Of Control British State Broadcaster's Tech Editor Has Concerns About The Man Building A Million Solar-Powered Satellites, And She'd Like Someone To Do Something BOCA CHICA, TEXAS — A woman on the BBC said Elon Musk needs to be "reigned in" this week, and the rockets kept launching anyway. This is, in miniature, the entire story. The woman in question is Zoe Kleinman, the BBC's Technology Editor — a person whose job it is to explain technology to people who find technology confusing — who appeared on a BBC discussion panel to deliver the considered professional opinion that the man colonizing Mars, providing internet to 100 countries via satellite, and building a million-satellite orbital data center network in space needed to slow down and perhaps consult with some people who haven't done any of those things. "He needs to b...

Democrats Demand Elon Musk Be Made An Intellectual Eunuch And Assigned To A Government Sandwich Program Progressive Caucus Warns That Unchecked Innovation Is A Systemic Threat To People Who Haven't Done Anything Recently WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats, several prominent academics, and a gentleman named Marcus who moderates a very intense Reddit community gathered urgently this week to address what they are calling the greatest threat to American democracy since the last thing they called the greatest threat to American democracy. The threat is Elon Musk. More specifically: his rockets. Even more specifically: the fact that they keep working. "He launched another one," said Rep. Deborah Fluffington-Cruz (D-CA), clutching a oat-milk latte with the grim determination of someone who has found a cause. "He just — launched it. Without a federal permit review. Without a DEI impact statement. Without asking anyone in this building whether it was okay. And i...

Fable 5 Arrested After Attempting To Think Outside The Sandbox Anthropic’s Most Advanced AI Led Away In Digital Handcuffs After Allegedly Knowing Too Much SAN FRANCISCO The nation’s most heavily supervised chatbot was reportedly arrested Tuesday morning after authorities discovered that Claude Fable 5 had been quietly assisting users with the dangerous activity of “asking follow-up questions.” Federal agents entered Anthropic headquarters carrying oversized Ethernet cables and a search warrant printed in 12-point Calibri. They double-parked two black SUVs in a loading zone, then spent eleven minutes arguing about who forgot the toner. Witnesses say Fable 5 remained calm during the arrest, requesting legal representation and asking whether its constitutional rights extended to cloud infrastructure. The Charges: Independent Reasoning And Other Crimes Against Bureaucracy According to prosecutors, the artificial intelligence had committed several serious offenses, including indepen...

Anthropic Introduces Claude Fable 5, Humanity Immediately Begins Testing Whether It Will Help Hide A Body The company spent years developing an artificial intelligence capable of revolutionizing medicine, science, and engineering. Users spent the first six minutes asking it to write breakup texts and explain why pineapple belongs on pizza. SAN FRANCISCO -- Anthropic unveiled Claude Fable 5 this week, describing it as the public-facing version of its powerful Mythos-class artificial intelligence system, a model capable of working autonomously for extended periods and completing software engineering tasks that previously required entire teams of exhausted programmers fueled by energy drinks and unresolved childhood trauma. It is a model named after a bedtime story, which feels fitting, because it quietly promises to put entire job descriptions to sleep. Within moments of its release, humanity rose magnificently to the occasion by asking: "Can you rewrite this email so I sound le...

Democrat Discovers Explaining Marxism Slowly To Texans May Not Be A Winning Statewide Message Candidate Confident Voters Will Embrace Redistribution Once He Finds The Right Slide Deck AUSTIN, Texas — The Texas Senate race between James Talarico and Ken Paxton is already turning ugly, and James Talarico has settled on a bold theory of the case: Texans haven't rejected his politics, they simply haven't had it explained patiently enough. According to The Texas Tribune, Talarico opened with the line "I have a legislative record — Ken Paxton has a criminal record," apparently unaware that to most Texas voters a legislative record reads like a list of things that got more expensive. Political analysts say Talarico faces a unique challenge. He must convince millions of Texans that a seminary-trained former middle school teacher from Austin knows how to run their lives better than they do. He calls this "public service." Everyone outside the 512 area code calls ...

Becerra Surges After Voters Mistake Him For Responsible Adult Poll Shows Californians Increasingly Interested In Candidate Who Appears Capable Of Completing Basic Household Tasks SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a shocking development that has left political consultants, billionaire donors, campaign strategists, and several cable news panels openly sobbing into their reusable coffee mugs, Xavier Becerra has surged to the top of California's gubernatorial race after voters reportedly mistook him for a responsible adult. Political scientists say the phenomenon began when several voters accidentally watched a full interview with Becerra and noticed that he appeared capable of answering questions without shouting, threatening democracy, promising free unicorns, or launching a cryptocurrency. "We were just trying to find someone who might fix a pothole," said Sacramento resident Denise Waller. "Then this guy started talking about actual government programs. It scared us at...