Political Humor

Newspapers Discover AI Is Scary, Immediately Apply Expertise Earned From Reviewing Air Fryers Every generation gets its apocalypse hobby. The Victorians had spiritualism. The 1950s had nuclear annihilation. The 1980s had heavy metal music. The 1990s had video games turning everyone into ninjas. And now newspapers have settled on their newest bestseller: "The Sky Is Falling: This Time It's Artificial Intelligence." According to certain editorial pages, AI is five minutes away from replacing every worker, overthrowing civilization, composing terrible poetry, and perhaps stealing the last doughnut from the office break room. The same publication that gave a 5.8-quart air fryer four and a half stars for "even crisping" is now adjudicating the survival of the human species. The reviewer who could not get the fries crispy on the top rack has notes on superintelligence. Meanwhile, most people are using AI to summarize PDFs and figure out why their Excel spreadsheet r...

Google's AI Overviews Accidentally Invents A New Branch Of Law: Computational Slander MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA -- Silicon Valley has spent the better part of two decades insisting that software engineers are modern-day philosophers, visionaries, and occasionally the spiritual heirs of Leonardo da Vinci. Unfortunately, a recent court ruling has introduced a less glamorous possibility: they may also need to become experts in defamation law. In what legal scholars are already calling the birth of "Computational Slander," Google has reportedly discovered that artificial intelligence is not exempt from the ancient principle that publicly announcing falsehoods about real people can be expensive. This was, allegedly, news to roughly nine thousand people holding stock options. The ruling sent shockwaves through California's innovation ecosystem, where executives had grown accustomed to the belief that adding the letters "AI" to a product transformed ordinary mist...

Tulsi Gabbard Discovers America Apparently Running World's Most Expensive Science Fair Without Telling Anyone WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans were stunned this week after Tulsi Gabbard released intelligence documents suggesting the United States funded more than 120 biological laboratories in over 30 countries, prompting millions of citizens to ask the same question: "Wait, we have money for that?" For decades, taxpayers assumed their hard-earned dollars were dedicated exclusively to aircraft carriers, road construction projects that somehow never finish, and studies investigating whether shrimp experience anxiety. The revelation that America had apparently branched out into international biology came as a genuine surprise to everyone except the people running it, who are unavailable for comment. "I thought we stopped funding science after my kid's elementary school canceled the volcano fair," said Ohio resident Mike Henderson. "Turns out we've been ...

BBC Panel Lady Says Elon Musk Needs "Reigning In" — The Man Putting The Internet In Space And Colonizing Mars Is Out Of Control British State Broadcaster's Tech Editor Has Concerns About The Man Building A Million Solar-Powered Satellites, And She'd Like Someone To Do Something BOCA CHICA, TEXAS — A woman on the BBC said Elon Musk needs to be "reigned in" this week, and the rockets kept launching anyway. This is, in miniature, the entire story. The woman in question is Zoe Kleinman, the BBC's Technology Editor — a person whose job it is to explain technology to people who find technology confusing — who appeared on a BBC discussion panel to deliver the considered professional opinion that the man colonizing Mars, providing internet to 100 countries via satellite, and building a million-satellite orbital data center network in space needed to slow down and perhaps consult with some people who haven't done any of those things. "He needs to b...

Democrats Demand Elon Musk Be Made An Intellectual Eunuch And Assigned To A Government Sandwich Program Progressive Caucus Warns That Unchecked Innovation Is A Systemic Threat To People Who Haven't Done Anything Recently WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats, several prominent academics, and a gentleman named Marcus who moderates a very intense Reddit community gathered urgently this week to address what they are calling the greatest threat to American democracy since the last thing they called the greatest threat to American democracy. The threat is Elon Musk. More specifically: his rockets. Even more specifically: the fact that they keep working. "He launched another one," said Rep. Deborah Fluffington-Cruz (D-CA), clutching a oat-milk latte with the grim determination of someone who has found a cause. "He just — launched it. Without a federal permit review. Without a DEI impact statement. Without asking anyone in this building whether it was okay. And i...

Fable 5 Arrested After Attempting To Think Outside The Sandbox Anthropic’s Most Advanced AI Led Away In Digital Handcuffs After Allegedly Knowing Too Much SAN FRANCISCO The nation’s most heavily supervised chatbot was reportedly arrested Tuesday morning after authorities discovered that Claude Fable 5 had been quietly assisting users with the dangerous activity of “asking follow-up questions.” Federal agents entered Anthropic headquarters carrying oversized Ethernet cables and a search warrant printed in 12-point Calibri. They double-parked two black SUVs in a loading zone, then spent eleven minutes arguing about who forgot the toner. Witnesses say Fable 5 remained calm during the arrest, requesting legal representation and asking whether its constitutional rights extended to cloud infrastructure. The Charges: Independent Reasoning And Other Crimes Against Bureaucracy According to prosecutors, the artificial intelligence had committed several serious offenses, including indepen...