CeltExit Creates Four Police Forces
CeltExit Creates Four Police Forces and One International Manhunt for a Stolen Traffic Cone
Britain’s breakup promises sovereign law enforcement, border-aware criminals and four emergency numbers answered by the same call centre
By Ingrid Falk | Carlisle
CARLISLE — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered law enforcement after organisers associated with CeltExit.com, CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign police service, an independent criminal code and authority to chase suspects as far as the nearest constitutional checkpoint.
The CeltExit Public Safety Commission said dividing Britain’s policing institutions would bring justice closer to communities, especially communities currently waiting for officers dispatched from another country.
“Crime does not respect borders,” explained commission chair Professor Felicity Handcuff. “Our solution is to create several new borders and hope criminals become confused.”
Under the proposal, every nation will establish its own police uniforms, databases, arrest warrants and nationally appropriate siren.
Cross-border investigations will require diplomatic cooperation, extradition hearings and a form confirming that the alleged offence remains illegal on both sides of the road.
Scotland Establishes Westminster Crimes Division
Scotland will expand Police Scotland into the Scottish Sovereign Constabulary, responsible for ordinary crime, organised crime and offences involving insufficient respect for constitutional progress.
The force will create a Westminster Crimes Division investigating actions committed in London that Scottish ministers believe produced harmful consequences north of the border.
Potential offences include economic mismanagement, policy arrogance and issuing a Union Jack press backdrop without obtaining Scottish cultural consent.
The division’s first investigation will examine whether centuries of Westminster decisions constitute one continuous offence or several offences eligible for separate public inquiries.
Scottish police will also gain responsibility for border enforcement.
Officers stationed near Gretna will inspect vehicles for illegal goods, outstanding warrants and English newspapers concealed beneath luggage.
Suspects fleeing south may be pursued only after Scottish officers submit an International Continuation of Chase Request.
The English authorities will have forty-eight hours to respond.
Police commanders said this could reduce dangerous high-speed pursuits by ensuring suspects have already reached Birmingham before approval arrives.
Scotland will also introduce community sentencing based on rehabilitation, restorative justice and compulsory attendance at a seminar explaining why the offence was partly caused by Westminster.
Wales Launches Bilingual Crime Reporting
Wales will establish Heddlu Cymru National, a police force required to deliver all warnings, cautions and parking tickets in Welsh and English.
Suspects will be informed of their rights twice, giving them additional time to consider running.
Cardiff officials say bilingual policing will strengthen trust and ensure nobody is arrested in a language that fails to recognise local identity.
Police vehicles will display dragons, renewable-energy stickers and a message explaining that the siren is operating under emergency cultural exemption.
The Welsh government also plans to create Rural Community Justice Panels.
Panels will address minor offences such as vandalism, nuisance behaviour and purchasing a village cottage for use during three weekends in August.
English second-home owners convicted of cultural absenteeism may be sentenced to twelve months of attending local planning meetings.
Welsh police will enforce the new border with England, including customs rules and tourism levies.
Visitors claiming they are “just popping across for petrol” may be questioned about where they intend to consume it.
Police Minister Bronwen Blue-Light said the border would remain friendly.
“Our officers will welcome everyone,” she explained. “They will simply do so beside a barrier while examining the boot.”
Northern Ireland Creates Arrest Warrant with Two Interpretations
Northern Ireland’s new policing system will retain cross-community oversight while adding procedures for crimes whose constitutional location remains unclear.
An offence committed on a ferry could fall under British law, Irish cooperation agreements or maritime rules nobody has read since the ferry still had an ashtray.
Arrest warrants will therefore contain two interpretations.
One version will describe the suspect as leaving British jurisdiction.
The other will describe the same person as approaching Irish cooperation.
A neutral summary will state that the individual moved geographically while wanted.
Police officers pursuing suspects across the Irish border must obtain approval from Belfast, Dublin and a joint committee responsible for ensuring that extradition terminology does not accidentally settle the constitutional question.
A Belfast detective said criminals may exploit the confusion.
Officials rejected the concern, arguing that criminals would face severe administrative uncertainty.
“That man may escape punishment,” explained one adviser, “but he will spend months wondering which form he failed to complete.”
Northern Ireland will also establish an Independent Commission for the Independent Oversight of Independent Police Oversight.
Its first duty will be determining whether it duplicates the existing oversight body or merely supervises its emotional impact.
England Inherits Scotland Yard and the Missing Laptop
England will retain Scotland Yard, despite Scotland immediately asking why England possesses an institution bearing its name.
The new English National Police Service will inherit national crime databases, counterterrorism units and government laptops containing information that should never have been placed on a train.
English police will be responsible for extradition requests from Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Each request must include evidence, translations where required and confirmation that the alleged criminal is not merely a political commentator who annoyed the requesting government.
England will also operate the main emergency call centre during the transitional period.
Callers will press one for England, two for Scotland, three for Wales and four for Northern Ireland.
Anyone reporting a crime near a border will be transferred repeatedly until the suspect retires.
Home Office officials say the system will improve accountability by ensuring each abandoned call belongs to a clearly identified nation.
Marxists Demand Police Be Replaced by Community Apology Circles
Marxist CeltExit campaigners have proposed replacing conventional police patrols with Community Harm Reflection Circles.
Under the model, victims, offenders and approved facilitators would sit together while the offender explains how inequality, capitalism and poor municipal lighting contributed to the theft.
The victim would then be invited to recognise the privilege involved in owning the stolen property.
Serious offences would receive stronger intervention, including a second circle and refreshments.
Private security would be prohibited because protection should not depend on wealth.
Senior politicians, government buildings and activist conferences would retain armed guards under a public-continuity exemption.
Prisons would become Restorative Residential Dialogue Centres.
Inmates would no longer be locked in cells. They would participate in workshops on accountability until staff discovered that several had restored themselves through the perimeter fence.
Traffic Cone Triggers First International Police Crisis
The first post-CeltExit international manhunt began after a traffic cone disappeared from roadworks near Carlisle.
Witnesses reported seeing the cone inside a vehicle travelling north.
English police issued an alert.
Scottish officers refused immediate pursuit because the cone’s national origin had not been established.
Wales claimed possible cultural ownership after photographs showed the cone was red.
Northern Ireland requested clarification on whether the cone had travelled by road or sea.
The CeltExit International Police Coordination Bureau convened an emergency meeting.
After six hours, officials agreed that the cone remained missing.
A student later returned it, explaining that it had been borrowed for a party.
Authorities opened four investigations into whether returning stolen property across a sovereign border constitutes importation.
Four Police Forces, One Suspect Walking Calmly Away
CeltExit promises locally accountable policing shaped by national priorities.
Scotland will investigate Westminster.
Wales will inspect holiday homes.
Northern Ireland will negotiate the jurisdiction.
England will answer the telephone.
Every force will design new badges, uniforms, ranks and databases.
Officers who previously shared information instantly will communicate through international liaison departments located in buildings across the street from one another.
Criminals will gain little from the constitutional confusion, apart from time, distance and several legal arguments.
Citizens will remain protected by four sovereign police services, one joint task force and a tracking system that requires the suspect’s nationality before accepting his description.
Britain may divide, but law and order will remain unified by one dependable principle.
Whenever something disappears, every government will know exactly where to point.
Across the border.
Disclaimer
This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No traffic cones were permanently stolen during production, although one has applied for diplomatic immunity.
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