Political Humor

  CeltExit Creates Four Police Forces and One International Manhunt for a Stolen Traffic Cone Britain’s breakup promises sovereign law enforcement, border-aware criminals and four emergency numbers answered by the same call centre By Ingrid Falk | Carlisle CARLISLE — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered law enforcement after organisers associated with CeltExit.com , CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign police service, an independent criminal code and authority to chase suspects as far as the nearest constitutional checkpoint. The CeltExit Public Safety Commission said dividing Britain’s policing institutions would bring justice closer to communities, especially communities currently waiting for officers dispatched from another country. “Crime does not respect borders,” explained commission chair Professor Felicity Handcuff. “...

Congress Discovers It Can Rewrite the Universe If the Committee Hearing Runs Long Enough According to Noah Rothman's column, Congress is once again debating daylight saving time, creating the familiar spectacle of elected officials treating orbital mechanics as a policy preference rather than a property of the solar system. The annual ritual features legislators convinced that, with enough hearings, subpoenas, and strongly worded press releases, the Earth will eventually agree to rotate on a more convenient schedule. Congress vs. the Solar System: Who Has Jurisdiction? Members of Congress remain optimistic that the Sun has simply never received clear legislative guidance. The House recently passed its own version of the Sunshine Protection Act, proving once again that nothing says "we have this under control" like a 308-117 vote on the rotation of a planet. Several representatives reportedly argued that if inflation, immigration, and the national debt refuse to coop...

Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets who have just seen Zeus juggling volcanoes. Within hours of the review embargo lifting, publications were calling it "the greatest movie ever," "a masterpiece," "Nolan's best," "emotionally adrift," and "the reason cinema exists." In other words, critics achieved complete consensus by disagreeing with extraordinary confidence. Even Rotten Tomatoes' own critics consensus page reads like a group project where nobody talked to each other. Fifteen Humorous Observations on Nolan's Odyssey Reviews Critics Finish the Film Before the Opening Credits Several reviewers reportedly knew the film was a masterpiece after seeing the Universal logo. Every Review Secretly Reviews Christopher Nolan Ins...

California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience of a Medieval Monk SACRAMENTO, Calif. — In what officials proudly describe as "the next logical step in sustainable grocery shopping," California supermarkets have reportedly replaced their dairy aisles with a six-foot-tall flowchart explaining the legal, environmental, philosophical, and emotional journey required before anyone may purchase a gallon of milk. Call it Sacramento's latest udder failure of common sense — a pun so deliberate it deserves its own regulatory fee. The move comes amid real concerns from parts of California's dairy industry that new recycling and packaging requirements could make selling milk more expensive and more complicated. Under the state's Plastic Pollution Prevention and Packaging Producer Responsibility Act, producers face st...

Bernie Sanders Replacement for Platner Too Conservative to Have Ever Dated Anyone Maine Democrats Discover Their Revolutionary Candidate Has Apparently Held Opinions Before Tuesday AUGUSTA, Maine. In a development that has left progressive activists rifling through old filing cabinets for the emergency "Context Matters" binder, Maine Democrats are rallying behind former Senate President Troy Jackson, the Bernie Sanders–aligned logger now positioned to replace Graham Platner atop the ticket. Jackson's earlier political statements have become the most awkward reunion since somebody discovered an old MySpace profile at Thanksgiving. Party officials insist Jackson's journey demonstrates "growth," a term they now define as having once held opinions that would require a three-hour podcast apology to fully unpack. Democrats have found their new axe to grind, and, fittingly, the man swinging it spent decades felling actual trees along the Canadian border. Demo...

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with a new mission statement, a rebrand, and an open-plan office where the discount rate is now decided by whoever gets to the whiteboard first. Move fast and break things. Or, in this case, move fast and break the things that used to buy things. Kevin Warsh Hires Marc Andreessen to Replace Interest Rates With Software Updates Incoming Fed Chair Kevin Warsh confirmed he has brought on venture capitalist Marc Andreessen as a "special monetary disruption consultant," tasked with replacing the federal funds rate with a rolling series of software patches. Under the new system, interest rates will no longer be announced eight times a year. Instead, they will be pushed silently overnight, and Americans will simply wake up to find their mortgage payments have chang...

  The F-35 Gamble: How Britain Committed to a Fighter That Still Isn't Quite Ready (And How to Explain This to Parliament) Britain committed to procuring 138 F-35 Lightning fighter aircraft as the primary tactical aviation platform for the Royal Air Force and Royal Navy for the next 40+ years. This commitment represents roughly £24 billion in procurement costs plus potentially £100+ billion in lifecycle costs across the aircraft's operational life. It's one of the largest defence procurement decisions Britain has made in decades. The F-35 is the world's most expensive military programme ever undertaken and one of the most controversial. It's extraordinarily capable—when it works. It's extraordinarily expensive—beyond what many nations anticipated. It's behind schedule—the programme has experienced consistent delays. It has experienced technical problems that required ongoing resolution. Yet Britain committed to purchasing 138 of these aircraft and has gr...

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of handshakes, policy binders, and nervous glances toward the nearest podium. But diplomats say this year's gathering introduced an exciting new sport: Guess What Trump Says Next. Officials describe the game as part political science, part improv comedy, and part cardiovascular stress test. Participants earn one point for correctly predicting the next topic. Bonus points go to anyone who calls Greenland, defense spending, golf, tariffs, or a real estate analogy in the same breath. Nail all three and you earn the honorary title of Senior Strategic Oracle, plus a standing job offer from every cable network in America. "It's impossible," sighed one exhausted European ambassador, gripping his fifth espresso like it owed him money. "We prepared for Ukraine, N...

World Cup "Inarguably" the Worst Ever? A Satirical Rebuttal to FIFA's Most Commercial Tournament Yet The 2026 FIFA World Cup has been hailed by some commentators as the greatest tournament ever staged. The football has been magnificent. The goals have been outrageous. The underdogs have delighted billions. Unfortunately, so have airport security queues, hotel invoices, and ticket prices that appear to have been calculated by medieval ransom negotiators. If football is still the beautiful game, someone has quietly surrounded it with the world's largest shopping mall. The matches remain spectacular, but everything before kickoff and after the final whistle feels as though it was designed by accountants who believe supporters experience joy primarily through premium upgrades. World Cup Ticket Prices: Fans Need a Mortgage Before They Need a Passport Once upon a time, attending a World Cup required little more than a passport, a scarf, and an unreasonable belief that y...

Welcome to the Gerontocracy: 12 Signs America Is Being Run by Whoever Can Still Read the Teleprompter Without Bifocals Nina Totenberg is 81. Chuck Grassley is 91. The last two presidents were the two oldest in American history. Somewhere in a nursing home in suburban Virginia, the median age of the United States Senate is quietly outliving the median age of the country it governs by a solid 25 years. This is not a democracy. This is an assisted-living facility with nuclear codes. Here are 12 humorous observations about the gerontocracy running the free world, generously footnoted so nobody's lawyer has a stroke — because at this point, stroke risk is basically a congressional job requirement. 1. Congress Is Now Older Than Most of the Buildings It Meets In The 119th Congress clocked in at an average age of 58.9 years old, making it the third-oldest Congress since 1789. For context, the median American is 39.1. Congress isn't just out of touch with the youth vote — it's...

USMNT Draws European Foe Again: Nation Bravely Hides Behind Spreadsheets America Discovers Europe Is Still Located on the Other Side of the Soccer Scoreboard The Numbers Are In, and So Is the Denial The United States enters its Round of 32 clash against Bosnia and Herzegovina carrying enough historical baggage to qualify as an extra checked suitcase, the kind airlines charge you eighty bucks for and then lose anyway. The Americans have not beaten a European opponent in a competitive knockout run for quite some time, prompting sports analysts to dust off every depressing statistic they own like antique collectors polishing Civil War cannons nobody asked them to fire. For years, American soccer has insisted it has "closed the gap" with Europe. Unfortunately, Europe keeps opening another gap behind the first gap, then building a souvenir shop beside it, and charging twelve euros for a bottle of water at the gap gift shop. "It's really about confidence," expla...

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially known as Second Chances for Quarterbacks Who Accidentally Set Their Careers on Fire. The pilot program launched moments after former Indiana and Cincinnati quarterback Brendan Sorsby found himself wandering the football wilderness, denied entry to the NFL supplemental draft, politely shut out by the CFL, and reportedly refreshing LinkedIn under the search term "quarterback adjacent." Repole, never one to let an empty roster spot go to waste, opened the door wide. "Come on in," he reportedly shouted, the kind of welcome usually reserved for relatives who show up at Thanksgiving with a U-Haul. "Around here we don't call them damaged goods. We call them affordable upside." League officials insist t...