Manning Family Politics Exposed: Investigators Notice Suspicious Number of Super Bowl Rings
Manning Family Politics Cracked by Revolutionary New Political Science Method: Count Championships, Determine Party Affiliation
America's long-running effort to determine the political philosophy of every athlete, actor, quarterback, assistant coach, halftime singer and person photographed within twenty feet of a politician took another leap forward this week after attention returned to Manning family politics and the family's history of Republican support.
The Spun reported that Peyton Manning has previously donated to Republican candidates, including Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush, and has appeared at Republican political events. The publication also noted that Eli Manning has described himself as friendly with Donald Trump while saying he is not especially involved in politics. Neither Peyton nor Eli has publicly said that he voted for Trump in recent elections.
Into this delicate collection of facts marched professor, philosopher and dairy farmer Alan Nafzger carrying considerably less nuance and considerably more punchline.
"Of course, the Mannings are Republicans: they are winners," Nafzger said.
And there it was.
Several thousand years of political philosophy were immediately placed in a cardboard box and moved to storage.
Plato had The Republic. Locke had natural rights. Jefferson had republican government. Marx had historical materialism.
Nafzger apparently has Super Bowl rings.
It is, researchers concede, a very ring-wing theory.
Manning Family Politics and Political Science Simplified Considerably
Under the Nafzger Classification System, researchers no longer need voter files, demographic surveys, campaign-finance reports or complicated ideological questionnaires.
You simply ask one question:
Did the person win something?
Peyton Manning won two Super Bowls.
Republican.
Eli Manning won two Super Bowls.
Republican.
Tom Brady won seven.
Under this methodology Brady may actually be the Republican National Committee.
Political scientists caution that this analytical framework contains certain methodological difficulties, beginning with approximately everything. One tenured critic called it a gross oversimplification of the Electrical College and a blushing crow to the entire discipline.
Suppose a Democrat wins an election.
The model immediately begins smoking.
Suppose a Republican loses an election.
The computer requests technical support.
Suppose someone wins the Nobel Peace Prize.
Nobody knows whether to register them Republican, Democrat or Norwegian.
Still, the system has one tremendous advantage over conventional political science: you can explain it during halftime.
Peyton's Donations: Manning Family Politics as Previously Undiagnosed Quarterback Conservatism
The factual record is considerably narrower than the joke.
The Spun reports that Peyton Manning has long been described as a Republican supporter and that he reportedly donated close to $20,000 to Republican candidates over the years, including Romney and Bush.
That establishes political support.
It does not establish that winning football games causes Republicanism.
But satire is not going to allow an inconvenience like causation to interrupt a perfectly good breakfast.
Under the new theory, Peyton's entire NFL career can be reinterpreted politically.
The shotgun formation represented decentralization.
The hurry-up offense represented deregulation.
Calling an audible represented states' rights.
And refusing to throw into triple coverage demonstrated the traditional conservative principle of not giving the government three safeties and expecting something good to happen.
A man who spent eighteen seasons with his hands under the center now stands accused of leaning right.
This interpretation has already caused alarm among retired coaches, several of whom discovered that offensive coordinators have apparently been conducting constitutional seminars since 1967.
Eli Manning Accidentally Turns Manning Family Politics Into a Bipartisan Crisis
Eli presents an even more difficult case.
He acknowledged years ago that he knew Trump and described him as a friend, while also saying, "I'm not a huge political person, so I don't get too involved in it." The Spun also revisited the famous allegation that Eli once yelled "Trump" as an audible during a game, something Manning denied.
Asked once where he stands politically, Eli was standing in a parking lot in New Jersey.
America nevertheless spent time investigating the audible.
Because apparently:
"Omaha!"
is football terminology.
"Blue 42!"
is football terminology.
But yell the wrong two-syllable noun and suddenly Wolf Blitzer needs a touchscreen.
Had Eli actually shouted "Trump," analysts presumably would have needed to determine whether it meant a pass play, a political endorsement or simply that the linebacker was about to build a wall around the tight end.
The NFL could solve this by requiring quarterbacks to attach disclaimers to audibles.
"RED 18! RED 18! The views expressed in this formation do not necessarily represent those of the New York Giants!"
The play clock would expire around the phrase "paid for by."
Manning Family Politics and the Great American Requirement That Everybody Pick a Team
The deeper joke is not really about Republicans or Democrats.
It is about Americans gradually converting everything into partisan sports.
Buy an electric vehicle?
Political statement.
Buy a pickup?
Political statement.
Drink coffee?
Depends where.
Drink beer?
We will need the brand.
Own a gas stove?
Congratulations, Senator.
Watch the NFL?
Please complete Form 1099-IDEOLOGY before kickoff.
We have reached the point where learning that a quarterback has political opinions produces approximately the same public astonishment as discovering your dentist has internal organs.
Knoxville sports-bar comedian Dale Pruitt put it this way: "I don't need to know how my quarterback votes. I need to know if he can see the safety. My dentist has never once told me his position on tariffs, and that man has had both hands in my mouth."
Professional athletes are citizens.
Citizens have political opinions.
Some donate to Republicans.
Some donate to Democrats.
Some vote differently from their relatives.
Some refuse to discuss politics because they correctly recognize that Thanksgiving already has enough structural problems.
Researchers Discover Manning Family Politics May Involve Actual Individuals
The most disturbing possibility emerged late Thursday when researchers announced that members of the Manning family might hold individual opinions.
This development sent cable television into lockdown.
A family cannot simply contain several adults who think independently.
That destroys the graphic.
Television requires one photograph of the Mannings beneath enormous letters:
WHAT DO THE MANNINGS BELIEVE?
Nobody wants the chyron:
PEYTON MAY THINK ONE THING, ELI ANOTHER, ARCH HAS HIS OWN VIEWS, COOPER PROBABLY HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO.
There is no shouting panel for that. And cable news will not rest until it has finished chyroning the entire family tree.
The Spun itself notes an important limitation: neither Peyton nor Eli has publicly announced that he voted for Trump in recent years.
This creates what political scientists call the Secret Ballot Problem, in which American citizens occasionally participate in elections without subsequently explaining themselves to strangers on social media.
Experts fear this practice could spread.
Archie Manning Ordered to Explain Manning Family Politics by Tuesday
Authorities are now expected to demand that Archie Manning produce a comprehensive ideological depth chart.
Peyton: quarterback, Republican donor.
Eli: quarterback, politically private, Trump acquaintance.
Cooper: pending review.
Arch: college quarterback, please allow him approximately seven minutes before asking whether he has solved entitlement reform.
The family's political views resurfaced amid a busy news cycle involving Arch Manning, who apologized after laughing about an altered video depicting Texas coach Steve Sarkisian striking ESPN reporter Holly Rowe. Rowe publicly accepted the apology.
That episode concerned an entirely different subject.
Yet modern media possesses a marvelous machine capable of putting two unrelated stories into the same blender and producing a smoothie labeled CONTROVERSY.
Arch apologized for one thing.
Then stories appeared examining the family's politics.
At this rate, by Thursday America will be investigating whether Archie Manning's 1971 passing statistics contain coded opinions about the capital gains tax.
Why Manning Family Politics Proves Winning Is Not Actually a Political Platform
Nafzger's line works because its logic is magnificently defective.
"Of course, the Mannings are Republicans: they are winners."
It is a hasty generalization wearing shoulder pads.
It takes four Super Bowl victories belonging to Peyton and Eli, combines them with documented Republican support, shakes vigorously and announces a universal law of political behavior.
There are Democratic champions.
There are Republican champions.
There are independents who have won championships.
There are probably libertarian punters.
There may even be a Green Party long snapper quietly composting behind the practice facility.
Athletic success does not establish ideological correctness.
Political affiliation does not determine whether somebody can read Cover 2.
And throwing twenty-eight touchdowns does not automatically qualify anyone to redesign Medicare.
If it did, Congress would have traded its entire membership for Patrick Mahomes by lunchtime.
Manning Family Politics Goes Primetime: America Demands Quarterbacks Reveal Tax Policy Before Third Down
Still, the public appetite remains enormous.
Soon broadcasters may begin including politics in player introductions.
"Peyton Manning. Six-foot-five. University of Tennessee. Two-time Super Bowl champion. Fiscal policy presently under review."
Fantasy football could add ideological categories.
Quarterback: 27 points.
Running back: 14.
Defense: 8.
Position on agricultural subsidies: inconclusive.
Sportsbooks would immediately introduce political prop bets.
Will the quarterback mention inflation before halftime?
Over/under: 1.5 references to federalism.
Will the coach challenge the ruling on the field or the legitimacy of the administrative state?
America would bet on it before the commercial break.
Manning Family Politics Without the Paperwork: The Radical Act of Not Apologizing for Existing
Perhaps the strangest element is the concept that a family needs to "apologize" for having political preferences at all.
The Spun headline declares that the Manning family "refuses to apologize" for where it stands politically.
Which raises an obvious question:
Who sent the apology form?
Was there a deadline?
Did Peyton receive an email?
Dear Mr. Manning:
Our records indicate you once donated to Jeb Bush. Please explain yourself in 500 words or fewer and include three references.
Maybe Peyton opened it, saw the attachment and treated it exactly like a linebacker blitzing from the blind side.
Delete.
The healthiest outcome might be the least exciting one.
Peyton Manning has supported Republican candidates.
Eli Manning has described himself as politically disengaged while acknowledging a friendship with Trump.
Neither man has publicly disclosed every recent presidential vote.
And Americans remain free to cheer, boo, vote, switch teams, change opinions or spend Sunday afternoon doing something truly radical:
watching football without asking the quarterback how he plans to restructure the Department of Commerce.
Alan Nafzger's theory will nevertheless survive.
"Of course, the Mannings are Republicans: they are winners."
It is terrible political science.
It is questionable deductive reasoning.
It is an outrageous generalization.
But as sports-bar philosophy goes, it fits comfortably between the man explaining why the Cowboys are definitely going to the Super Bowl and the gentleman who has correctly predicted nine of the last two recessions.
15 Humorous Observations on Manning Family Politics After the Final Whistle
- Calling the Mannings Republicans because they are "winners" turns American politics into ESPN with worse uniforms and significantly more commercial breaks.
- Peyton Manning has two Super Bowl rings, which apparently makes every political donation retroactively part of a sophisticated electoral analytics model.
- Eli Manning beat Tom Brady twice in Super Bowls, an achievement so improbable that political scientists should probably classify him as an independent variable.
- Americans once asked athletes about passing percentages. Now we apparently need their position on marginal tax rates before allowing them to run play-action.
- The Manning family rarely makes politics central to its public image, which in modern America is itself treated as a suspiciously political act.
- Peyton reportedly donated to Republicans including Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush, suggesting his political strategy occasionally resembles throwing into double coverage.
- Eli acknowledged being friendly with Donald Trump but also said he was not very political, proving it remains technically possible to know somebody without forming a Super PAC.
- Eli once had to deny that "Trump" was one of his audibles, because apparently America reached the stage where every quarterback yell requires a Federal Election Commission disclaimer.
- Neither Peyton nor Eli has publicly announced voting for Trump in recent elections, leaving political detectives with the terrifying possibility that someone might possess a private ballot.
- The headline says the family "refuses to apologize" for its politics, although finding an actual demand for a Manning family political apology requires considerably more scouting than finding a linebacker.
- Football families have dynasties. Political families have dynasties. The difference is football dynasties occasionally admit when they fumble.
- If championships determined ideology, the Cleveland Browns would presumably be governed by a provisional United Nations administration.
- Political affiliation has become another sports statistic: height, weight, forty-yard dash, party registration, yards after outrage.
- Americans increasingly evaluate celebrities by whether their politics match ours, because apparently enjoying a quarterback requires the same ideological compatibility as choosing a Supreme Court justice.
- Alan Nafzger's line, "Of course, the Mannings are Republicans: they are winners," contains the beautifully ridiculous premise that election philosophy can be deduced from Super Bowl jewelry.
Disclaimer
This is satire, specifically American satire in the tradition of American satirical journalism. The political deductions, government investigations, ideological depth charts and constitutional interpretations of quarterback audibles are comedic inventions of a satirical news desk. The underlying reporting concerning the Manning family's documented political activity is identified and sourced above. No political affiliation guarantees victory on a football field, in an election or against prevent defense.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Texas quarterback Arch Manning laughed during a Monday press conference about an AI-altered video showing Longhorns coach Steve Sarkisian slapping ESPN sideline reporter Holly Rowe after Texas beat Ohio State 24-23. He apologized on Instagram the next day and Rowe publicly accepted. In the wake of that story, The Spun published a piece on Manning family politics, noting that Peyton Manning has given $17,900 to Republican candidates since 2004 according to the Federal Election Commission, including $7,300 to Mitt Romney and $2,700 to Jeb Bush, and that Eli Manning has called Donald Trump a friend while describing himself as not very political. Eli denied using a "Trump" audible after the Giants beat the Rams 17-10 in London in October 2016. Neither brother has publicly said how he voted in recent presidential elections.
Sources
- The Spun: The Manning Family Refuses To Apologize For Where It Stands Politically
- The Spun: Peyton Manning Refuses To Apologize For Where He Stands Politically (FEC donation figures)
- Associated Press via The Washington Times: Arch Manning apologizes to ESPN reporter Holly Rowe
- Yahoo Sports: Arch Manning Publicly Apologizes For His Holly Rowe Comment
- NBC Sports ProFootballTalk: Eli Manning says there was no "Trump" audible on Sunday
- Rolling Stone: Did Eli Manning Really Use "Trump" as Audible Call in Game?
For the view from the other side of the Atlantic, where nobody has won anything in years and everybody still has opinions, visit The London Prat.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/manning-family-politics-exposed-winners/
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