Next 10 Bond Films: The Progressive 007 Collection
Every Title Is Awaiting Equality Sign-Off Before Release


LONDON - A list of ten proposed James Bond films, drawn up by progressive commentators ahead of the next casting announcement, would turn Britain's most famous secret agent into a government employee with a clipboard, according to draft titles and synopses seen by this publication.

The collection, circulating under the working name Progressive 007 Collection, arrives as Amazon MGM Studios works through its final screen tests for the role. Variety has reported that Callum Turner and Jack Lowden are among the actors under consideration, and Euronews reported in June that the search had entered its final stage. Nobody has been officially confirmed.

A Whitehall official familiar with the proposals said all ten films remain subject to an equality impact assessment, a sustainability review and a consultation period of no fewer than twelve weeks. The official asked not to be named because the assessment has not yet cleared the department's own communications policy.

The titles borrow heavily from the existing franchise, which has run to twenty-five official films since 1962.


Ten Progressive James Bond Films Under Review


1. No Time to Offend


Bond loses his licence to kill after making an insensitive remark during an international assassination. MI6 orders him to attend diversity training while Blofeld conquers Europe.


2. The Spy Who Loved Socialism


Bond infiltrates a Marxist revolutionary organisation, only to discover its members are demanding higher taxes, free housing and government-funded Aston Martins. The villain escapes after the committee votes to redistribute Bond's ammunition.


3. Licence to Feel


007's licence to kill is replaced with a licence to provide emotional support. His new weapon is a government-issued therapy dog, and his first assignment involves validating the feelings of a terrorist holding London hostage.


4. Goldfinger: Tax the Rich


Bond discovers Goldfinger's secret plan to accumulate vast quantities of gold. Instead of stopping him, the Treasury appoints Goldfinger Chancellor and confiscates 90% of everyone's savings to promote fairness.


5. From Russia With Pronouns


Bond is dispatched to Moscow to stop an international intelligence operation but accidentally misgenders a Russian assassin. MI6 recalls him immediately while the Kremlin celebrates its greatest psychological victory since the Cold War.


6. The Man With the Reusable Water Bottle


The world's deadliest assassin abandons his golden gun after discovering its carbon footprint. Bond pursues him across Europe on an electric bicycle, stopping every 14 miles to recharge and discuss sustainable conflict resolution.


7. Quantum of Diversity


MI6 discovers that SPECTRE's international criminal network lacks appropriate demographic representation. Bond is ordered to help Blofeld diversify his workforce before Britain can legally classify the organisation as evil.


8. Tomorrow Never Misgenders


A billionaire media villain develops a satellite capable of controlling global communications. Bond's mission is to stop him, but the government redirects MI6 resources toward investigating offensive comments made on the villain's social media account in 2011.


9. Live and Let Tax


Bond infiltrates a secret organisation that plans to bankrupt Britain through unlimited government spending. Unfortunately, the organisation turns out to be the Treasury. Bond is arrested for suggesting the government should spend less than it collects.


10. On His Majesty's Secret Benefits


After 60 years of international espionage, Bond discovers he can earn more by remaining unemployed. He trades his Aston Martin for subsidised housing, registers his martini habit as a wellness requirement and defeats Blofeld by referring him to an overwhelmed NHS waiting list.


What the Progressive 007 Collection Would Change


Under the proposed arrangements, none of the ten films would include a car chase, a firearm or a martini, although the draft allows a sparkling water at the discretion of the production's wellbeing officer. The Whitehall official said the collection rests on a single principle: no villain should be stopped before the villain has been consulted.

Amazon MGM Studios has not commented on the list, which has not been submitted to the studio. The official said the proposals would be forwarded once the working group had agreed on a name for itself.

Coming soon: 007: The Name's Bond, James Bond, He/Him, Please Complete This Equality Monitoring Form.


Five Humorous Observations About the Next 10 Bond Films

- "From Russia With Pronouns." You know the Russians read that and went, finally, a Bond film we can win. They've waited sixty years for MI6 to lose to a form.


- Goldfinger as Chancellor. Honestly? Not the worst plan. The guy at least tells you up front he wants all the gold. Ours make you wait for the Budget.


- Bond finds out he makes more money unemployed. That's the most realistic one on the list. Sixty years of jumping off dams, and the man finally does the math. That's not satire, that's a pension plan.


- A therapy dog instead of a gun. First time a terrorist says, "I'll kill everyone," and the dog goes, "Tell me more." That dog's got a better bedside manner than my GP, and my GP's the one with the waiting list.


- Ten movies, no car chase, no martini. Who goes to the cinema for a diversity workshop? Nobody. We already got one. In the break room. With a stale croissant.

Satirical Disclaimer


This article is satire. The film titles, plots, officials and quotations described here are invented exaggerations of political arguments about James Bond, not real proposals, studio plans or verified statements. Casting details attributed to Variety and Euronews refer only to their reporting on screen tests for the next Bond actor. This disclaimer was rated suitable for all audiences after a twelve-week consultation, a sustainability review and a sensitivity read of the word 'Goldfinger'; the director's cut is screening at the British Onion.

This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. https://prat.uk/?p=54483

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