£253 million vanishes before lunch as farmers queue like concert fans
LONDON, England — Thousands of English farmers attempting to secure government environmental funding have discovered that saving the countryside now requires the reflexes of a concert-ticket scalper and the internet connection of an international investment bank.
The Sustainable Farming Incentive application window closed less than six hours after opening, with the Country Land and Business Association reporting that the budget had been fully allocated. Farmers Weekly put the total allocated at £253 million, after ministers added a further £20 million on the day.
Sustainable Farming Incentive: 12,200 Applications in One Afternoon
According to the official government statistics on the second application window, approximately 12,200 applications were submitted. Farmers who missed out were advised to prepare earlier next time, preferably before discovering whether the government intended to announce a next time.
The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs now operates a funding system that apparently follows the same principles as Taylor Swift ticket sales. Applicants must log in immediately, resist the temptation to refresh their screens and pray that somebody in another county loses their internet connection.
One Somerset farmer reportedly spent three hours explaining to his elderly father that the waiting room was digital. His father responded by sitting in the barn until someone called his name. By the time the misunderstanding was resolved, the funding had disappeared faster than a politician's agricultural promises after an election.
Defra Proposes a Ticketing Service for Farm Grants
Defra has now proposed replacing conventional grant applications with an online ticketing service. Farmers could purchase premium access, guaranteeing a position near the front of the queue in exchange for surrendering the first year's subsidy.
A special VIP package would include priority login, complimentary anxiety and a souvenir photograph of the applicant staring helplessly at a spinning circle. Environmental consultants have also identified a new ecological threat, which is farmers throwing laptops into hedgerows.
The Helpline Transcript
A transcript of a call to the Rural Payments helpline, supplied by a caller from Herefordshire who recorded it for his own records, runs as follows.
Caller: I've been in the queue for four hours.
Adviser: The queue is now closed.
Caller: Closed to joining, or closed to people already in it?
Adviser: Closed to people.
Caller: Is there anyone I can speak to about that?
Adviser: You're speaking to them.
By the Numbers: Who Got In and Who Did Not
Spread across the 12,200 applications, the money works out at roughly £20,700 per agreement, a figure that sounds generous until it is divided by the number of farmers who wanted one. Officials told MPs they believed more than 10,000 additional potential applicants may have wanted to enter the scheme.
That leaves a ratio of roughly one farmer in the queue for every farmer still standing outside it, which one agricultural analyst described as "a very efficient way of disappointing exactly half the countryside."
A Department Spokesperson Responds
A Defra spokesperson said the application process had been competitive and efficient, and that the department "welcomes the strength of demand." Asked whether the department had anticipated that demand, the spokesperson said the department "welcomes anticipation" and would "consider welcoming it further in due course."
Farmers counter that an agricultural system expecting them to make decisions about land management over several years should perhaps remain open longer than a village jumble sale.
Unlike concertgoers, farmers cannot simply decide that they no longer fancy attending. Their soil still needs improving, their livestock still needs feeding and the environmental measures still cost actual money.
Parliament Weighs In
A parliamentary inquiry has recommended that unsuccessful applicants improve their digital skills by practising on websites selling Glastonbury tickets. The committee also suggested that farmers stop complaining about uncertainty, since uncertainty is apparently the one agricultural resource Britain possesses in unlimited quantities.
Next year's programme is expected to incorporate lessons from this experience. Applications may open at midnight, close at breakfast and award bonus points to anyone capable of remembering twelve government passwords.
Defra could then announce the most technologically advanced environmental support programme in British history. The countryside will have to wait until somebody finds a better broadband connection.
Five Observations on the Great Farm Grant Rush
- Six hours. That's how long it took to spend a quarter of a billion pounds. I can't get a pizza delivered in six hours, and nobody's even allowed to refresh the page.
- The farmer's dad sitting in the barn waiting for his name to be called. That's not confusion. That's a man who's been told what to do by the government his whole life and he's finally found a way to do it in a barn.
- They want to sell VIP access to a farm grant. Priority login, a souvenir photo of you staring at a spinning circle. It's the only concert in history where the headline act is your own despair.
- "Prepare earlier next time." Prepare for what? A thing they haven't announced? That's not advice, that's a horoscope. "You will receive money. Or not. Mercury is in the broadband."
- Twelve thousand applications. Ten thousand more who wanted to apply. Ladies and gentlemen, the only scheme in England with a bigger waiting list than a Sunday roast. https://prat.uk/?p=54974
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